Niall Horan In Tank Tops

The Triumphant Return of Zayn Malik

If anything the last threeish years of One Direction has taught us, it’s that these boys are at their best when they’re on tour. And if there was one member to outrank the rest for “Best In Show”, it would be Zayn Malik. Say what you want about Niall’s guitar jumps or Louis hip thrusts, but Zayn’s perfect solos and killer wardrobe set smashes the competition. But most importantly, the return of that quiff.

Zayn’s had a rough six or so months, with the cheating scandals and the bad press. Yet the only thing he managed to take it out on was his hair. I’m sorry, but that blonde streak had to go. Then he was doing this weird greaser-eque, rockabilly curl in the front that required way too much product. And then Japan happened and, as grateful as I was to see the blonde go, holy whoa was it way too short.

For a while, I thought all hope was lost. Was I ever going to see that quiff again? Then, like Santa on Christmas morning, the first photos surfaced from the Take Me Home Tour and my faith in humanity was restored.

Dear Zayn Malik,

If you so happen to read this, please note that my love for you solely rest on the tips of your quiff and that, if you so decide to ruin your hair my life again by cutting it, I will fall into the deepest depths of despair and may never return.

Sincerely,

This devoted directioner (and every directioner ever… probably)

The world we live in is a world of online dating. My beautiful blogging counterpart and I have decided to start a series entitled ‘If One Direction Had OKCupid profiles’. Maybe we’ll dream it into reality and one day while combing through a bunch of Jersey Shore knock-off bros, we’ll find a Harry Styles just testing the waters of online dating, trying to find someone who loves him for more than his voice and his hair and his face.

Username: Grimlinson
19/M/Straight(?)/Single
London, England

My self-summary
I’m Harry and I’m from Cheshire. My friends call me Haz or Hazza. I have a few tattoos that all mean like, a lot to me.

What I’m doing with my life
I used to work in like, a bakery, but now I’m in a band. We travel around quite frequently which keeps me out of London more than I’d prefer. You probably haven’t heard of us, we’re just five humble boys traveling around singing songs about getting some and living while we’re young, you know?

I’m really good at
telling stories about important things like one time I went to New York City and there was this restaurant called like, Johnny Rockets and I don’t remember anything else about New York City, but Johnny Rockets was like, by the river and the food was good and I recommend that everyone like, check it out. Yeah.

The first things people usually notice about me
Maybe they notice my hands because they’re sort of big because I’m tall and usually taller people have like, big hands, right? I think that would be quite an interesting thing for people to notice. My friend, Zayn, would probably say that they notice my hair, but I’m not even sure like, why anyone would notice it. It’s just hair, right? Zayn says it’s ‘curly and sexy’, but I don’t really spend any time looking at myself so I’ll just take his word for it. But yeah, my hands. I think they notice my hands.

Favorite books, movies, shows, music, and food
My favorite food comes from places like Johnny Rockets which is in New York City and like, maybe a few other places. You can ask me more questions about their cuisine and I’ll elaborate in great, great detail. I don’t have much time to read or watch shows because the boys and I are always so busy and by the time I lay down in bed all that I want to do is listen to some Hurts or A$AP Rocky. Not a Taylor Swift fan, though I do believe that she’s an extremely talented artist, her songs are just not for me, lyrically. My favorite movie from when I was just a kid is Dumbo which like, people might find confusing because it’s one of those Disney movies that people often overlook, but I feel like there’s real genius behind that movie. Oh, and Silver Linings Playbook because Jennifer Lawrence is hot. Are you reading this profile, Jennifer? Feel free to PM me if so.

The six things I could never do without
My friends Lou, Grimmy, Zayn, Liam, and Nialler
Tight black skinny jeans
My collection of vintage Rolling Stones tshirts
MILFs (excuse the crass nature of the statement)
My unbelievably talented tattoo artist
My mom

I spent a lot of time thinking about
crepes because one time my mates and I were recording in Sweden and a bunch of the streets were closed off, but there was this little crepe shop and like, the crepes were really good and I still think about that like, all the time.

On a typical Friday night I am
probably driving around LA handing out of fresh pizza to all the homeless people in the city because I’m an incredible, selfless human being who has far more to offer than a pretty face (Uhm, well, my friend Ed just wrote that and refuses to let me submit this profile if I erase it).

The most private thing I’m willing to admit
I have three nipples and you like, probably don’t know that because that information definitely isn’t all over the Internet.

I’m looking for
-Girls who like guys
-Guys who like guys (as friends, okay?)
-Ages 20-50
-Anywhere
-Who are single-ish

You should message me if
you didn’t write the song ‘I Knew You Were Trouble’